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The I.Q. Test/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW The modern car stereo is an amazing thing, isn't it? Digital equalization, super surround sound. They even have a detachable face plate so the sucker who steals your car can't even enjoy that. Well, you get the idea. So I'm thinking, doesn't it make more sense if they can't steal your car at all? So forget the detachable stereo; what you need is a detachable steering wheel. And I'm not talking about a normal steering wheel. You can't walk around with a steering wheel in your pocket. You'll look like a dork. Instead, get yourself one of these fold-up vegetable steamers. Got this outta bernice's kitchen. So not only do I have a detachable, collapsible steering wheel, but I've also eliminated the risk of eating steamed vegetables any time soon. [ applause ] how does that compare with soggy broccoli? If you ever get stuck in traffic, this thing doubles as a snack bowl. [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. Thank you. You'll all have to excuse me a minute. Harold gave me this test card to fill out. It's multiple choice, so it shouldn't take very long. I don't pay any attention to the questions, you know. You know, if you just mark the answers in the shape of the big dipper, I find I usually pass. Okay, uncle red, time's up. I need the answer sheet back. Time's up. I need the answer sheet back. Just a -- just a couple more and I'm done. Where are the questions? Harold, you know, this is a face paced society. No one really cares about questions. They just want answers. It's an I.Q. Test, uncle red. I was hoping to open a local chapter of mensa, and I need suitable candidates. Would any of this be necessary if you had a girlfriend? That's not the point. I.Q. Tests are meaningless, okay? When a person's smart, they know they're smart. Well, just because you think you're smart doesn't mean you are. You think you're lots of things you're not. I think you're lots of things you are. Well, when we're having our mensa meetings don't you be upset because you're not invited. You know, even if I was invited to your egghead club, I wouldn't be dumb enough to go. Well, yeah -- yeah -- I think it's time we start respecting people for their intelligence. Harold, I have a home, I have a van and all my fingers. Around here that makes me a genius. It's time for the possum lodge word game! [ cheers and applause ] tonight's winner receives a this coupon for a free session at the possum lake food packaging plant and beauty centre. "why go through the pain and expense of a facelift "when we can simply shrink wrap your head?" okay, cover your ears there, mike. Okay, red, you've got 30 seconds to get mike hamar to say this word... All right, winston. And... Go! Okay, mike, if something isn't crooked, it's... Outside my experience. Okay, look, say you got a coiled up rope and you unroll the whole thing. Now you've made it... Over the wall! Okay, if you have a funny guy, and there's another guy who's not funny at all, he's called the something man. Hit man. No. Okay, remember when you were a kid? Adults would say, hold your head up, shoulders back and stand... In the lineup. You guys are almost outta time. Okay, okay, okay. When you're in prison, you want your cell mate to be... Oh! Totally wacko. Oh, yeah, 'cause then they'll put him in a straitjacket. There we go! [ ♪ ] oh, hi there, boys and girls. Ranger gord here. You know, it's really no surprise that in a recently published survey of the world's best jobs, forest ranger just snatched the coveted 257th spot, right behind telemarketer and part-time keyboardist in a jazz fusion quartet. Why? Well, it's because we forest rangers bear witness to some of the miracles of modern nature that you people only get to see on tv or some slapdash educational film. Speaking of which, it's time for my latest educational film. So sit back and enjoy. But remember, my job is not available. I don't care what the parks department tells you. Here we go. [ ♪ ] [ ♪♪ ] hey, everyone. Today I'm going to teach every man, woman and child the only sure way to determine if autumn is about to arrive. The leaves change colour? Oh! Kids go back to school? The air gets a bit nippy? You're both idiots. In fact, the only way to truly know is to observe flying squirrel day. "not unlike groundhog day in the spring, "flying squirrel day is the day the flying squirrel "emerges from his hole to see --" oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I know! I know! To see his shadow? Close, harold. To see the ghost of matinee idol, tony curtis. I don't think tony curtis is dead, gord. Don't interrupt the lore. "when the squirrel spots mr. Curtis, "he goes to nest to winter in his thick lustrous head of hair." doesn't tony curtis wear a toupee? Well, enough back story. Let's get started. The first thing we need to do is rouse the flying squirrel. Gentlemen, shake this tree. Oh, look at that, my badminton shuttlecock. My bicycle! Oh, my anvil! There's not squirrel in this tree, gord. I know that. I just needed some help getting a few things down. Actually, the only way to stir the flying squirrel is with a mighty blast of this horn. [ no sound ] [ small squeak ] look! Up there! Looks like we've summoned an entire squadron. Oh, no. Run, harold. They think you're matinee idol tony curtis! Well, that's gotta be a first. We need to distract them, red. Do you see any nuts? Nothing but. This is no time for levity, man! Scrounge! Scrounge! Hey, you squirrels, down here. Look, it's precious sustenance for the cold months ahead. [ horn blasting ] well, it looks like it's going to be an early autumn after all. So from all of us to all of you, [ harold screaming ] have a nice fall. [ applause ] isn't it a pain when you're driving by yourself you have to reach out the other window for something? Well, what about this... What if you could be the driver and the passenger at the same time? Would that be great or what? So today on handyman corner, I'm going to show you how you can add dual controls to your car so you can drive from the right-hand side. That way you can be the passenger in your own car. Because the passenger never has to order the lunch or work the a.T.M. Machine or blow into the breathalizer. Okay, I've got my second steering wheel in place here. Actually, I got this free form moose thompson. It had ripped out of his car when he slammed on the breaks. Guess he gave it... Now I just need some way of connecting that one to the real steering wheel. I'm thinking of using one of the inner tubes out of this bicycle. You know, this here is called a kickstand. Okay, that went pretty well. The nap helped. Now I've got dual controls and stylish wheel covers. Just need some way to hook up the pedals. Oh. If there are kids watching, you might want to get them out of the room. Okay, now, the hockey sticks are perfect for this because the blade is strong, and it's shaped like a pedal. So now all I gotta do is attach these to the floor of my vehicle. And my real feet on the fake pedal is gonna activate the fake feet on the real pedal. Now, if your vehicle has the floor completely rounded out of her, you're gonna have to abandon this project all together. Instead, you could build a glass bottomed boat. Okay, now to hook up the gear shift and turn signals and what have you, I ran a few bungee cords up over the rear view mirror down through the seat belt clips. No real set rule on that, because every car is different, of course. So you pretty much have to use your own brain power. You may wanna allow a fair extra bit of time there. Okay, other than that we're pretty well set here. Remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now things like getting the mail or parallel parking are a breeze. And the dual controls make this vehicle an excellent driver training tool, as long as you don't forget who's teaching who. [ ♪ ] I wanna talk to you guys out there thinking about changing careers. Maybe after ten years of wearing a paper hat and asking people if they want fries with that, hey, maybe it's time to move on, huh? But I'll tell you the job market is tough out there. If you wanna compete, you're gonna have to get some education and training. I suggest the correspondence schools because it's something you can do in your own home, in your own pace, in your own underwear. You can even play hooky by mailing in an empty envelope. But, see, at the correspondence schools you can learn a trade, because you wanna be certified in something. Being certifiable is real important in the business world. Yeah, because if you've got a certificate, it doesn't matter if you don't have any experience or even any idea what it is you're trying to do, because when you screw up your boss'll be able to blame it on whoever gave you the certification. Kind of like passing the buck, eh? You don't wanna be caught with the hot potato. You'll be right back asking people if they want fries with that. So get yourself some training. And if that doesn't work out, well, just tell any prospective employer that you do everything red green says, and that'll prove you're certifiable. Remember, I'm pulling for you. We're all in this together. Announcer: This summer terror comes to possum lake. What is that? And it sucks. Is it a bus? No, no, it's a truck, a sewage truck! Who's driving it? There's nobody driving it! Announcer: Some men are born to sewage. Others have it thrust upon them. If that unit hits deadman's curve at over 55, it's gonna be a blood bath. Well, some kind of bath. Announcer: This summer, winston rothschild faces every septic professional's worst nightmare... The devastating power of a runaway sewage truck. I'm goin' in! Harold: Oh, come on, uncle red. We can open them together. Come on, I don't believe you're not interested in the results of the I.Q. Test. ♪ come on ♪ harold, there's nothing in that envelope that's gonna change my life. There's something in my envelope that's gonna change my life. Come on. Here's yours. If you have anything, we're not keeping it. [ screeching ] 158! 158! That is so good! I'm the most gifted. I'm like two points away. Do you know what that makes me? I sure do, harold. Okay, it's your turn. Open yours. Open yours. Open yours. Open yours. Open yours. And remember, there's nothing wrong with being of average intelligence. Thank you, harold. So? How'd you do? I dunno. You tell -- is 160 more than 158? No way! There's like a mistake or something. Harold, harold, there's nothing wrong with being of average intelligence. [ applause ] you said so yourself. These tests are meaningless. Yeah, but I said that back when I was dumb. [ applause ] wait! Red (voice over): Walter asked us to come out the back. He had his kite stuck up a tree. We were gonna help him. I didn't actually see the string. So now we had the kite up the tree with a very short string on it. So I figure, you know, there's a bunch of rocks. Usually rocks everywhere. Just pick up a rock and throw -- be careful where you go, walter. There's some rocks you might trip on there. Walter's got a pretty good arm, but it's not connected to anything. And he knocks the big nest -- oh! And then the -- oh! Then the next come down out of the tree. Now, walter had an unu -- he thought this was some kind of transcendental religious experience. It's not the maharishi humphrey. Then a big bird -- okay, I see. We're messing around with a pretty big bird's nest. I think the best thing, get the next back up into the tree. We don't -- let's not worry about the kite right now. So dalton and I came over to give him a boost up. Never sure how you do that with the arms. Like you hold one wrist -- and we got into a -- we had a bit of an argument. Luckily, the possum lodge oath comes in real handy there. Then walter could just -- you wanna get up there. Just get the nest back in place, walter, get the kite while you're up there. But the bird starts coming back and doesn't quite understand what we're doing, and then -- okay, we had no plan for this. Boy, they get a lot of lift out of those wings. It's almost like they have a crane or something. Maybe that is a crane, that bird. And then he dropped the nest. There, walter's got the nest right back in place. Perfect. Bird's gotta be happy now. The bird's happy. We're happy. Nice job. Nice job, walter. Take a bow. Take a bow. And the bird I guess is happy because it dropped walter. We got you oh, no. Oh, no. I guess the wind took him there. But he's out in the -- what we find around the lodge is if you give to nature, nature will give back to you. So we gave walter a sore back, and we gave the bird the nest, and the bird gave us the kite. What a great day. [ applause ] [ ♪ ] you know, when the weather warms up, a lot of people like to hang their laundry outside. It's cheaper than using the dryer, and it's a real nice way to block out that rusty k-car you've had up on blocks since 1985. The problem with most clothes lines is the work involved. You either have to walk the length of her as you go, or you gotta horse the line around the pulleys. Wouldn't it be great if you could move your clothes line with just a touch of a button? Well, yeah. All it takes is a little creativity and your trusty betamax vcr. Make that your dusty betamax vcr. Okay, I just stuck an old tape in there and I wound the other end around my far pulley so I could use it as a clothes line. And yes, you could do this with a vhs, but everybody knows beta's a lot better, eh? And you can use any tape you want. I thought gone with the wind was a good choice. Now, to move my clothes out, all I do is press forward. And when I want the clothes to come back, I just hit rewind. And if I need the clothes to dry in a hurry, I go into shuttle mode. Boy, harold's having a lot of trouble dealing with me beating him on the I.Q. Test. He may even be acting weird and not making any sense, but with harold you never reall know. [ laughter and applause ] (imitating red) how you doing? Harold, you look good. (imitating red) thank you. Appreciate it. Big, big week up at the lodge this week. Oh, come on, harold. What are you doing? (normal voice) well, my social psychology class taught me people can change through emulation. So I'm going to raise my I.Q. By trying to be more like you. Do you realise how difficult that is, harold? Wasn't even that easy to say. You can't be me. Besides, we already have a me. What we don't have is a you. Ah, you're gonna miss me that much? Don't get carried away, harold, all right. Well, you have a higher I.Q. Than I do. That goes against all sense of fair play and logic. Okay, okay. Actually, harold, I don't have a higher I.Q. Than you. I switched the results. Yeah. What? Yeah. Yeah. Like you just opened the envelopes and switched 'em? That's what I did. Then you resealed the envelopes? You're onto me. You couldn't possibly think you were gonna get away with that. Well, you know, I'm not as smart as you. And there's nothing to be ashamed of. Yeah, thank you, harold. [ possum squealing ] oh, meeting time. Boy, you're as sharp as a tack aren't you? Just keeps coming. You go ahead. I'll be down in a minute. Okay. 160! 160! [ applause ] okay, so if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting. Now, I told harold I switched I.Q. Results with him and that's how I beat him. Now, he's accepted that, and I'd really appreciate it if you didn't mention that I switched results with you first. No husband needs an I.Q. Test to figure out who the smart one is. And to the rest of you, thanks for watching. On behalf of myself and the genius harold, and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheers and applause ] everybody sit down. Sit down, everybody. Yeah, sit down. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. All right, men, bow your heads for the man's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. All right men, I understand harold has a brief announcement. Yes, very much so. Okay, yes, all the I.Q. Tests are back now, and we're definitely going to have our local chapter of mensa. Now, the thing is you have to have a minimum I.Q. Of 150. So most of you are going to have work in pairs. Closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com